I left. I moved out. The hardest thing, was to pick up all of my stuff and take those 47 steps to the car, put stuff in, walk the 47 steps back and pick up more shit. Everything I picked up and every step my heart broke more and more. My eyes hurt, from all the crying even though I was not shedding tear. My throat hurt from chocking up.
In the end I did it. I made every step, picked up all my stuff and left. I am in mourning. Mourning of the relationship that I lost, mourning of the life that I had, the life I could have had and the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.
For the first time in about 3 months I do not have debilitating heartburn, or night sweats. It is only the little things that I am noticing now. Maybe later the big things will show up as different. Probably because I miss him still, it is like mourning a death. I remember all of the good things, the smell and the feeling of being loved.
This last month has been rough. I lost my co-worker, my brother does not care about me, and I left my boyfriend and the house that I loved. Now I live in a studio alone with my bills.
As a good friend told me. " He got a smoker bbq as his break up present, and you got a new apartment/freedom/a new life." Also she told me the best new word ever, "Douche-canoe."
Here is to a new life. And new start. I hope it goes smoothly.
