Moms words

"If you keep putting love into the piggy bank one day all that saved up love will pay off"

"Just let it go and stop caring."

Let people make their own mistakes.  

Improving life.

In a step to improve me.  Give myself time and attention I am dieting.  It is very hard with my slow metabolism and blubber.  So I have worked very hard on putting together weight watchers friendly recipes that are low in points and and do not include any bread, rice or pasta.

Tonight was Chicken tacos.  And it was amazing.
Shredded Breast of Chicken (4 ounces, 4 points)
2 corn tortillas (2 points)
3 tablespoons of salsa (0 points)
1/2 cup of diced yam (2 points)

Bake yam till soft, mix with chicken and salsa wrap in tortilla.  And go at it.

Leaving.

I left.  I moved out.  The hardest thing, was to pick up all of my stuff and take those 47 steps to the car, put stuff in, walk the 47 steps back and pick up more shit.  Everything I picked up and every step my heart broke more and more.  My eyes hurt, from all the crying even though I was not shedding tear.  My throat hurt from chocking up.


In the end I did it.  I made every step, picked up all my stuff and left.  I am in mourning.  Mourning of the relationship that I lost, mourning of the life that I had, the life I could have had and the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

For the first time in about 3 months I do not have debilitating heartburn, or night sweats.  It is only the little things that I am noticing now.  Maybe later the big things will show up as different.  Probably because I miss him still, it is like mourning a death. I remember all of the good things, the smell and the feeling of being loved.

This last month has been rough.  I lost my co-worker, my brother does not care about me, and I left my boyfriend and the house that I loved.  Now I live in a studio alone with my bills.

As a good friend told me. " He got a smoker bbq as his break up present, and you got a new apartment/freedom/a new life."  Also she told me the best new word ever, "Douche-canoe."

Here is to a new life.  And  new start.  I hope it goes smoothly.

Confusion

I love him.  Leave him.  I love him. Leave him.  I love him leave him.

I am the little mermaid, underwater, plucking the petals off flowers.  Yet I cannot breath.

Damn I wish I was a mermaid.

Saying Goodbye

Saying Goodbye to the People you love is always the hardest thing to do, even when it is the last thing left to do.

I have been looking for a new place to live for the last week.  I have been keeping it a secret for the sanity of both parties.  Although I feel like I did it because I did not want to hurt him or cause more conflict.  However, I probably did it because I do not want him to be mad at me.  I am selfish and I want to be the person that was the winner.

Well I came home today from looking at apartment for 8 hours.  (Still apartment-less) And I get dumped.  Awesome.  It is not like it is the first time he has done this, but for some reason I know this time it is real.  Because this time I am leaving.  I hope one of my applications was the first today so I can just get a place.

Saying goodbye is so hard.

Learn to Let Go

Bettering my self

Since I decided to go to law school, I feel as though my life as fallen apart.  I have come to realize this is because my self confidence has been thrown out the window.  This is not to say I am the only person is the whole world, this has happened to.  I am saying it because I want it to change.  I have gained 50-60 lbs since I was accepted into law school.  Which has been due to my stress level, and emotional eating.  And not having time or the passion to cook anymore.

I used to co-own a freaking health food catering company! WTH!! I know it has been wrong, But I still did not pay attention.  I fell deeper and deeper into a hole of shit, or should I say lard and sugar.  My most violent addiction is to sweets and breads.

Now as I turn a corner and try and pass the state Bar, I am going to try and gain my confidence back.  My mom told me recently I am so lucky because I have so many people that love me (her, the bf and the cat).  She is right, although on most days this is all blurred by my own self-hating thoughts.  This needs to change.  And so in my motivation I decided to start a new blog.  I have no idea what this blog will be about, but it will be a place for me to vomit out my thoughts.  Whether it be dieting, education, working, jobs, or the oh so common and most interesting subject MEN!